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Living Without Hope

by Peter Mathews

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1.
It’s the start of the summer There’s streaks of red in the sky I look across the room And suddenly you catch my eye So we keep on dancing Yeah yeah yeah Yeah we keep on dancing To the songs in our heads Yeah we keep on dancing Yeah yeah yeah Yeah we keep on dancing Have no fear that tonight is all Yeah just keep on dancing The middle of the summer The days fly by so fast Brush the hair from your face Now we’re together at last It’s the end of the summer And now you are gone I’m all by myself now But I dance sadly on So I keep on dancing Yeah yeah yeah Yeah I keep on dancing To the songs in my head Yeah I keep on dancing Yeah yeah yeah Yeah I keep on dancing All by myself Yeah just keep on dancing
2.
Mist 04:26
I saw your reflection In a puddle of rain There was nothing to stop me From calling out your name Still I hear your whispers Traveling on the wind Your words never had weight Even the air around you was thin Your words were nothing but vapor From the mouth that I kissed Your words were nothing but vapor Their meaning was lost in the mist I was tracked by a specter In a dress of deepest blue I ran all night to escape it A shadow shaped like you In a city haunted by memories I feel you everywhere I can’t escape your absence You’re here but never there I pass by the places Where we kissed in rain I can’t feel you touching But I still feel the pain Acts of love in the morning False promises all day You’ve already left me Now it’s time you went away
3.
What seemed like a new beginning Has ended the same old way What you thought was a bright new morning Is just the start of another day You can’t tell her what you feel About what was in your heart You just let her walk away And now you’re falling apart Over and over It hurts like it did before Over and over You try to learn something more Over and over You can’t imagine why Over and over So you put your nose to the grindstone To escape however you can But there’s nowhere you can hide From the feeling that you failed again You can’t tell her what you feel About what was in your heart But you never stopped to question Was that ever really your part? It happened in a matter of minutes Like scales falling from my eyes I realized I didn’t care about you And my heart turned as cold as ice Over and over It doesn’t hurt me anymore Over and over I’m becoming something more Over and over I really don’t care why Over and over Yes, it’s finally over
4.
Once a girl smiled at me And asked me to stay She seemed so kind and sweet I fell in love that day She would whisper words of love Into my waiting ears She’d always wanted a guy like me For years and years and years Whatever she wanted from me I gave it all to her She took it until one day She came to me and she said That she didn’t want to give Didn’t want to take Didn’t want to love And didn’t want to hate There was nothing at all That I could do It was over, it was fate Another girl smiled at me And asked me to stay She was so beautiful I fell in love that day She would talk about love All her hopes and fears She asked me to stay with her For years and years and years Whatever she wanted from me I gave it all to her She took it until one day She came to me and she said That she didn’t want to give Didn’t want to take Didn’t want to love And didn’t want to hate There was nothing at all That I could do It was over, it was fate The other day I smiled at you And told you to stay My heart was cold and empty The other girls made me that way You would talk about love All your hopes and fears I didn’t say much of anything For years and years and years Whatever I wanted from you I took it as I pleased You loved me until one day I came to you and I said That I didn’t want to give Didn’t want to take Didn’t want to love And didn’t want to hate There was nothing at all That you could do It was over, it was fate There’s a lesson in this song somewhere Though I’m not sure what it is The world still runs on give and take Maybe that’s just how it is Whatever I wanted from her I took it as I pleased She loved me until one day I came to her and I said That I didn’t want to give Didn’t want to take Didn’t want to love And didn’t want to hate There was nothing at all That she could do It was over, it was fate
5.
Hideaway 04:06
The autumn leaves are falling And there’s winter in the air I look into your eyes And I imagine what’s in there Cause you know that I love you But you hide away from me All those feelings in your heart That you hide away from me Yeah you know that I love you Yet you hide away from me All those feelings in your heart You just hide away from me I read the words you write sometimes Those thoughts inside your head Like “how do I live with purpose? And will it matter when I’m dead?” Secrets are a necessary evil To protect us from ourselves But if you peel back all the layers Sometimes there’s just nothing left The autumn leaves have fallen And winter holds the day You no longer meet my eyes So I turn and walk away
6.
Well I’m waiting for the evening to come When I can spend some time with you There’s no time to think about tomorrow Or what others think we should do You can spend a lifetime waiting For the perfect moment to come But there’s no such thing, my friend There’s just what you are and who you’ve become Well I’m waiting for the morning to come I’m still dizzy from all that wine I’m watching you sleeping beside me Yes, finally you are mine Well I’m waiting for the day to come When we’re comfortable in our skin The fight we had lasted all night long About who we are and where we’ve been Well I’m waiting for the lifetime to come When we can all admit we were wrong And the truth can stop its waiting And there’ll be no need for this song
7.
Well I saw your favorite monkey He was talking to a priest About a plan they‘d hatched together To steal the wedding feast The bride she didn’t know me But that was probably for the best I once slept with her younger sister And you can probably guess the rest I could be your random action Cause I’ve nothing left to lose Yeah I’m tangled in your affection And I’ve got the Dylan blues Well the bridegroom he just stood there As two men shot up the place They’d been gambling in the churchyard When the winner drew an ace It was then the first man noticed The card in the other’s sleeve Of his Italian rented jacket That he’d borrowed from Louise The first bullet killed the monkey Who was trying not to laugh At the woman in the corner Who recalled the Wife of Bath The second killed the ten-year-old Who had merely come to look At ten things his mother admired That she had written in his book It was then that the bride stood up And declared she had had enough Of husbands, priests, and monkeys And all that Rembrandt stuff So instead I married her sister Who didn’t love me in the least But now I’m her favorite monkey And I stole the wedding feast
8.
Not in Love 02:56
When the morning comes Creeping through the shades I’ll be waking up alone But everything will be okay I’m not in love I’m not in love And it’s okay, yes it’s fine I’m not in love I’m not in love I’m not in love And it’s okay, yes it’s fine I’m not in love I used to be a caring man And for that I paid the price It’s hard to learn that being weak Is the same as being nice Now I see you from below And I see you from above I can give you my attention But please don’t ask for love When tomorrow morning comes Creeping through the shades Who knows if I’m alone But everything will be okay
9.
Superstar 03:29
You can see me on the streets of London Telling you to stand back You can see me in the streets of Paris Dressed in a suit of black You can see me in New York City But I don’t really care about that Cause I walk on top of the world As though I squashed it flat Yeah I’m a superstar honey I’m a hell of a deal Yeah I’m a superstar baby Yeah I’m a superstar Yeah I take whatever I want And they thank me for it too It doesn’t matter where the action is I just do what I want to do I wear the emperor’s new clothes But I don’t really care about that Cause I walk on top of the world As though I squashed it flat
10.
A reach to hold your hand A touch to stroke your hair A move to kiss your cheek A chance to touch you there I want you more and more and more I reach and hold your hand And then I stroke your hair I move to kiss your cheek Last chance to touch you there I feel you in my hands My fingers through your hair Now touching cheek to cheek I know I’ve touched you there
11.
I’m racing down this road Trying to lose these midnight blues My heart just keeps on pounding I’ve got everything to lose (oh yeah) Yes I’m running to you Yes I’m running to you All night long Yes I’m running to you Yes I’m running to you All night long Yes I’m running to you The sound in my ears gets louder The traffic from the bridge The river slides by silently As I pass by in the night Was this meant to be? I can’t tell for sure Life seems so uncertain But there’s one thing that I know So I climb your stairs and I knock on your door I fall in your arms and I know for sure I’m not running anymore Now you’re in my heart And you’re in my life All night long And I love you more Than I ever thought All night long And that’s where I’ll stay All night long

about

Q: How did you write the songs for this album?

A: All the songs for Living Without Hope were originally written on an acoustic guitar and then given a full musical arrangement when recorded. I think of it as an album in which each song is built around a full guitar strum - it's as if, to use a painting metaphor, I were thinking in blocks of color rather than in fine or delicate lines. It was an interesting way of writing, one that felt deliberately raw and basic, and I hope that energy comes across in the final recording.

Q: Can you tell us more about the title of the album? It sounds rather depressing.

A: The title seems quite downbeat at first glance, but actually it's not. It was inspired by a number of lines about hope from the American author Henry Miller. In one essay, he writes: "Hope is a bad thing. It means that you are not what you want to be. It means that part of you is dead, if not all of you. It means that you entertain illusions." On the album's back cover, I put the more succinct "A world without hope, but no despair" from his most famous novel, Tropic of Cancer. So you see, it's not negative - it's about seeing through the delusion that is hope and instead embracing reality as it exists. For me, that is the central theme of the album.

Q: What kinds of ideas or stories were you aiming to explore in your lyrics?

A: The first songs I wrote for the album tended, as you might expect, to focus on my immediate emotions, such as desire and seduction ("Anne Moore and More") or reflecting on a failed relationship ("Over and Over"). But the songs of which I am most proud are those where I stepped outside of myself and tried to explore ideas, characters, and stories that were not directly my own. "Give and Take" is my favorite example of that kind of songwriting. The pastiche of Bob Dylan was also fun.

Q: What exactly is "The Dylan Blues" about? The story told in the lyrics is kind of surreal.

A: When I first came up with the idea for that song, I wasn't focused on trying to sing or play like Bob Dylan. For me, the real challenge was to write lyrics that employ the same narrative strategies as Dylan. For instance, he has a habit of addressing the listener as "you," which sounds intimate until you realize that the "you" he's addressing isn't *actually* you. You're just an actor, a substitute, and it's your job to work out your place in the drama he's describing. Therein lies another Dylan strategy: to mention people and scenarios that we've never heard of while passing them off as part of our "shared" reality. Hence the line about the "Italian rented jacket that he borrowed from Louise" - as if we all simply know who Louise is! As for the meaning of the story, I would prefer listeners try to work that out for themselves. Obviously, it helps to be familiar with the song's two main cultural references in Dylan's Blood on the Tracks and Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales (particularly the Wife of Bath's tale).

credits

released July 14, 2015

All songs composed, performed, and recorded by Peter Mathews, except
"Mist" and "Anne Moore and More" composed by Peter Mathews and Todd Tavares.
Mixed by San Jaya Prime and Peter Mathews.
Mastered by San Jaya Prime (www.jayaprime.com).
Cover photos by Yeonoh Son (background) and Jimin Choi (foreground).
Cover design by Peter Mathews.

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Peter Mathews Seoul, South Korea

Independent songwriter living in Seoul.

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